Takoma Picky Bystander

Thirty Days After US Election Putin Still Laughing Hysterically

December 15, 2016December 15, 2016 rbf

Concern is mounting in the Russian Federation today as Vladimir Putin continues into his thirtieth day of hysterical laughter following the US presidential election. This has made it extremely difficult for the Russian leader to carry out even the simplest duties of his office such as meeting foreign dignitaries, reviewing budget documents, and narrowing down the list of future US presidents. Sergei Mronov, his personal doctor, attributes the cause to Putin’s inordinate love of practical jokes. “But no joke, not one, has ever worked out this well, in the history of…

Local

Picky Bystander implicated in Fake News Scandal

December 5, 2016December 5, 2016 rbf

Recent reports following the 2016 election cycle have revealed that the majority of news stories shared on Social Media in general and Facebook in particular were written by unshaven, overweight, hygiene-impaired malcontents living in a fever swamp of their own pitiful misogyny, anger, and despondency. And Breitbart’s Steve Bannon was not the only journalist implicated. Unfortunately other previously reputable journalistic enterprises have also become entangled in the growing scandal. Our very own Picky Bystander, the newspaper of record for Southeast Takoma Park and unpopulated parts of East Silver Spring, has…

Science and Health

Paleo Diet Losing Ground to Scavenger Diet

November 26, 2016December 4, 2016 rbf

A new diet craze is sweeping the nation – and sweeping away the so-called “Paleo Diet”. The paleo diet, modeled on the eponymous 2002 book by Loren Cordain, admonishes us to eat like our paleolithic ancestors who roamed the earth between 2.6 million and ten thousand years ago. This has led people to a diet of fresh vegetables, fruit, nuts, lean meats and, oddly, bacon. But new research has shown that our ancient ancestors, as they spread out over the globe like toenail fungus in a men’s locker room,…

Local

Takoma Park Grapples with Pokemon Outbreak

November 25, 2016December 4, 2016 rbf

Kate Stewart, the mayor of Takoma Park, is clearly exasperated by the latest outbreak of the Japanese scourge. “We have small children afraid to go to parks, we have illegal fighting and gambling, we have a huge increase in our extermination budget, not to mention the cost of cleaning up Pokeman excrement all over town. This really is Takoma Park’s Hurricane Katrina, or Sharknado or whatever the hell you want to call it. We appealed to Governor Hogan for emergency funding to clean up this mess, but unfortunately the State’s…

National

Southwest Flight Implicated in Liquor Store Robbery

November 25, 2016December 4, 2016 rbf

Yesterday afternoon at around 4:00 PM Southwest Flight 210 was intercepted by the Texas Air National Guard and forced to land at Albuquerque International Airport. The flight originating in Lubbock Texas and scheduled to land in Las Vegas at 5:05 PM was intercepted northwest of Lubbock soon after takeoff by two vigilant Air National Guardsmen flying an F-16 Falcon. The two guardsmen had been listening to a police scanner that alerted them to a liquor store robbery in southeast Lubbock at around 3:30 PM. When they spotted the Southwest plane…

Science and Health

Virus Linked to High Levels of Fact-Resistance in Humans

October 31, 2016December 4, 2016 rbffact-free, science

Today the CDC announced that it had for the first time isolated the virus that confers fact resistance in humans. The virus was found in the brain of a protester who passed out while protesting the importation of large numbers of guillotines to execute Trump voters after the election. When the demonstrator later died, an autopsy was performed and the virus was extracted from damaged areas of the frontal and temporal lobes of the brain. “We’ve been hard on the trail of this virus for several years now”,…