Virus Linked to High Levels of Fact-Resistance in Humans
Today the CDC announced that it had for the first time isolated the virus that confers fact resistance in humans. The virus was found in the brain of a protester who passed out while protesting the importation of large numbers of guillotines to execute Trump voters after the election. When the demonstrator later died, an autopsy was performed and the virus was extracted from damaged areas of the frontal and temporal lobes of the brain.
“We’ve been hard on the trail of this virus for several years now”, said Tom Frieden, director of the CDC. We believe based on circumstantial evidence that strains of the virus have been present in human populations for millennia. We can infer this from the Salem Witch trials, astrology, flat-earth theory, fairies, bloodletting, and the belief that Doris Kowalski will forever regret that she turned down your invitation to take her to the junior prom.”
“But progressively more virulent strains have been in circulation starting in the 1980s, possibly originating near Kalamazoo Michigan where ‘alert’ residents spotted Elvis in Felpausch’s Supermarket. Since then we have made isolating the disease and now, finding a vaccine, a top priority.” Asked about the virus’s mechanism of action, Dr. Frieden told us that “the virus embeds itself deep in the brain where it slowly attacks regions of judgment and memory formation. It’s nearly impossible to diagnose” he added, “unless you dissect the brain post-mortem or spot a reference to Obama’s birth certificate on the patient’s t-shirt.”
“In the frontal and temporal lobes, during dissection, we see diminished plasticity, meaning that existing neural pathways are reinforced several times over but the formation of new pathways is greatly limited. We hypothesize that the virus is doing this out of self-preservation. It has evolved to prevent the host organism from engaging in new, rationally-based behaviors that could lead to the virus’s demise. In its most effective form, we see this in anti-vaxxers who have been tricked into believing that disease prevention is worse that the disease itself.”
Asked how other irrational beliefs such as climate change denial, GMOs causing cancer, Michelle Obama being a transvestite, or your belief that you should be promoted despite having spilled toner cartridge ink on the boss’s cat fit into the picture, Dr. Frieden told us: “The virus can’t be selective in the beliefs it changes or reinforces. It simply replaces rational, logic-based deduction and action with irrational beliefs and erratic behavior which, on average, should increase its chance of surviving and spreading.”
Asked how the disease spread from person to person Dr. Frieden was less certain. “At first we suspected internet chat rooms were the cause. But then our lead researcher showed up at work wearing an ‘Area-51’ t-shirt and we realized that our team had been compromised. Our best theory now is that it’s through person-to-person contact, most likely non-sexual in nature since ranting about birth certificates, aliens, and global conspiracies should prevent that form of transmission to uninfected individuals.“
In order to stay safe the CDC recommends that uninfected individuals avoid anyone with a printed t-shirt that is not ironic. For those who have trouble identifying which t-shirts are ironic, the CDC recommends keeping yourself in isolation and promises that they are working hard to find a cure.
Asked for his opinion on the new research, Zorblox Aztodiar, leader of the 4’th dimensional shape-shifting lizard people who actually rule the earth, would only say he was happy to see the CDC take this important step forward and hoped it would greatly improve human health, quality of life, and flavor.